From 0 to Assclown in 10 seconds

One of my great fears as a parent is not what my kids might do, but what their friends might do.

I realize it is important to help your kids have confidence. I think that some people take it to far. By not punishing their kids with a non-arbitrary method and puffing up their egos more than they deserve, they rob the children of the ability to question themselves.

I know that when my kids go to do something, they take a moment to reconsider. That is all it takes to avoid some really dangerous actions.

When I was young, I was a reckless driver. All 16 year old boys are reckless drivers. There are very few timid young men behind the wheel. My dad new this because he was also a young and daring driver and so were his friends and classmates. He was injured and he saw friends injured, by the cars they drove. This is why, when it came time for us to get our first cars, my dad did not allow my brother and I to get vehicles with V8 engines. He knew we could get ourselves killed. I am thankful that he set that rule for us.

Unfortunately not everyone has as much sense as my father. It appears that Hulk Hogan's son was involved in a crash that he walked away from. His friend that was with him was not so lucky. John Grazziano has been moved to a nursing home and appears to be in a vegetative state.

The news has made a lot of the comments that Nick Hogan's mom said on a street racing DVD, about how she loved dodging the cops and racing cars. The real problem here is the car he drove. Why would you buy your son a Toyota Supra and then supercharge the bastard until it runs 700HP. That is insane.

When I was Nick's age, despite all things I decided not to do, I still did a number of stupid things in my cars. I nudged my friends cars. I sped to fast. I drove off the edges of the rode. There was a time when I probably could have gotten a DUI, but my friend would not shut up about his curfew and wanted to get home. I also jumped the railroad tracks a number of times. Any of these things could have resulted in me or my friends being seriously injured If I had been driving the wrong car.

If I had been allowed to have a car like Nick Bollea's when I was that young, I can easily imagine catching 5 ft. of air on the railroad tracks instead of just 2, and landing 10 or 12 feet away instead of 7. Add to that a car that can do an additional 90 miles an hour faster than my 1982 Chevy Luv pickup. You can imagine how that would have turned out, on a small two lane country road with 6 ft deep ditches on either side and no street lights or houses for 2 miles in either direction.

I would declare an AssClown here, but the story is just too tragic. Please be the brains and 'good sense' your kids don't have yet.

Thanks Dad; for teaching me to think and not strapping me to a rocket. You probably saved my life or the life of someone else's kid.

Playground Pooper

Just for the record, the picture here is of a child covered in Peanut Butter. From Megamommatron's flikr set

Little kids are great. I have some and they are incredible.

My wife and I work hard to raise ours properly and because of our attention, our kids are well behaved. There are some things that our kids would never do, however we see other peoples kids do them all the time.

So for the first time I am writing a Mini-AssClown edition. There will be others.

Kids have accidents. They spill their milk. They drop their dishes. They put things in their mouth that don't belong.

Kids even have "accidents". These are the potty accidents. They might think they are going to fart, and instead plaster their shorts. They may fall off the toilet and sprinkle the linoleum. And don't even ask about fingerprints.

These are true accidents and I would never fault a child or parent who was involved in one. I have seen them all.

There are kids however, who know better. Kids that should know where it is OK to 'pop-a-squat'. Kids that know where they are supposed to drop a 'dookie'. This goes double for little girls.

I recently went to an open house for a kindergarten class. There was a guy in a costume and some ice cream. They were showing the classrooms and the gym. The teachers spoke with each new student.

When everyone was done, most went home. Since we live so close, we decided to stay and play on the equipment. One of our children ran off to play on the ramps for the portable classrooms. I chased them and after running around for a while I carried our little bundle back to the toys.

This is when I saw the little girl. She was hunkered down under the platform for the smaller slide, with her back towards me.

Now the little girls these days have been wearing pants that are cut very low at the waste so I thought that she had some plumber butt going on. I tried not to pay attention, but as I got closer it became apparent that her whole derriere was protruding out of her little jeans. What in the world is that 5 year old doing with her pants down.

Oh No! No way! That's not a tail. She is laying a steamer under the toys. Eeewwww!

I looked around for a parent and saw her mom glancing over from across the wood chips. I said to the little girl, "Ahh, excuse me" and she hopped behind a pole with her butt still hanging out.

Her mom came over and I explained that her daughter had left a present under the toys.

There were open bathrooms, there were other kids playing there and this girl was not in the "special needs" category.

Therefore, I am going to have to award her the Mini-AssClown award.

Striken Blind by Parental Mouth Soaping

If you swear loudly while having a conversation with your friend, that's fine.

If you swear loudly while having a conversation with a friend, in front of little children and old ladies; you are an AssClown.