Jul 6, 2009

Stand up for Independence Day

So every year for over 20 years, there has been a block party for 4th of July on the street where my in-laws live. My in-laws have five kids and the neighbors have five kids, who are all adults now and bringing their children.
We BBQ some dogs, we play volleyball in the street, the kids light sparklers, and when it gets dark we light hundreds of dollars worth of fireworks.
After the fun, several of the party-ers climb the roof across the street with brooms and sweep off the fireworks wreckage. This particular neighbor never attends the festivities and complains about the debris left behind. As a courtesy, his neighbors, some of whom are intoxicated, risk their necks to take care of the mess.
This year was a little smaller than usual, but everyone had a blast. The grand-kids, of which there are a dozen, played all day long and ate Popsicles and hot dogs. In the morning, to teach them how to be responsible, we marched them all across the street to pick up garbage from the neighbors yard that had fallen out of the sky.
The kids range from 2 to 10 years old. Little boys and little girls fetching the nights carnage off the lawn like Easter Eggs, until this neighbor shows up. Is he appreciative of the care we have taken? Is he thankful that we are going out of our way? Does he know how much fun these kids had the night before? Hell no! he throws a fit and claims that our fireworks were illegal. Goes on and on about how we have ruined the neighborhood and he is going to hire a cop to come next year and take all the fireworks.
All bullshit of course. Is a neighborhood ruined when everyone in 15 houses has approved for twenty years, and one doesn't? Or is it when one old fart gets into a yelling F-U match with a bunch of kids Grandpa. A Grandpa who was going to climb a ladder and clean your damn roof.
So next year one of our traditions will be gone forever. It's the tradition where we climb the neighbors roof to clean up after ourselves; because the ASSCLOWN doesn't appreciate it anyway.
People will push to see how far they can get, if we don't stand up and push back they will run all over us.
Our street doesn't need an Assclown mayor. We are a democracy of fun, and if you can't handle pool parties, cocktails and street sports on a dead end street. Suck it!

Dec 10, 2007

From 0 to Assclown in 10 seconds

One of my great fears as a parent is not what my kids might do, but what their friends might do.

I realize it is important to help your kids have confidence. I think that some people take it to far. By not punishing their kids with a non-arbitrary method and puffing up their egos more than they deserve, they rob the children of the ability to question themselves.

I know that when my kids go to do something, they take a moment to reconsider. That is all it takes to avoid some really dangerous actions.

When I was young, I was a reckless driver. All 16 year old boys are reckless drivers. There are very few timid young men behind the wheel. My dad new this because he was also a young and daring driver and so were his friends and classmates. He was injured and he saw friends injured, by the cars they drove. This is why, when it came time for us to get our first cars, my dad did not allow my brother and I to get vehicles with V8 engines. He knew we could get ourselves killed. I am thankful that he set that rule for us.

Unfortunately not everyone has as much sense as my father. It appears that Hulk Hogan's son was involved in a crash that he walked away from. His friend that was with him was not so lucky. John Grazziano has been moved to a nursing home and appears to be in a vegetative state.

The news has made a lot of the comments that Nick Hogan's mom said on a street racing DVD, about how she loved dodging the cops and racing cars. The real problem here is the car he drove. Why would you buy your son a Toyota Supra and then supercharge the bastard until it runs 700HP. That is insane.

When I was Nick's age, despite all things I decided not to do, I still did a number of stupid things in my cars. I nudged my friends cars. I sped to fast. I drove off the edges of the rode. There was a time when I probably could have gotten a DUI, but my friend would not shut up about his curfew and wanted to get home. I also jumped the railroad tracks a number of times. Any of these things could have resulted in me or my friends being seriously injured If I had been driving the wrong car.

If I had been allowed to have a car like Nick Bollea's when I was that young, I can easily imagine catching 5 ft. of air on the railroad tracks instead of just 2, and landing 10 or 12 feet away instead of 7. Add to that a car that can do an additional 90 miles an hour faster than my 1982 Chevy Luv pickup. You can imagine how that would have turned out, on a small two lane country road with 6 ft deep ditches on either side and no street lights or houses for 2 miles in either direction.

I would declare an AssClown here, but the story is just too tragic. Please be the brains and 'good sense' your kids don't have yet.

Thanks Dad; for teaching me to think and not strapping me to a rocket. You probably saved my life or the life of someone else's kid.

Sep 3, 2007

Playground Pooper

Just for the record, the picture here is of a child covered in Peanut Butter. From Megamommatron's flikr set

Little kids are great. I have some and they are incredible.

My wife and I work hard to raise ours properly and because of our attention, our kids are well behaved. There are some things that our kids would never do, however we see other peoples kids do them all the time.

So for the first time I am writing a Mini-AssClown edition. There will be others.

Kids have accidents. They spill their milk. They drop their dishes. They put things in their mouth that don't belong.

Kids even have "accidents". These are the potty accidents. They might think they are going to fart, and instead plaster their shorts. They may fall off the toilet and sprinkle the linoleum. And don't even ask about fingerprints.

These are true accidents and I would never fault a child or parent who was involved in one. I have seen them all.

There are kids however, who know better. Kids that should know where it is OK to 'pop-a-squat'. Kids that know where they are supposed to drop a 'dookie'. This goes double for little girls.

I recently went to an open house for a kindergarten class. There was a guy in a costume and some ice cream. They were showing the classrooms and the gym. The teachers spoke with each new student.

When everyone was done, most went home. Since we live so close, we decided to stay and play on the equipment. One of our children ran off to play on the ramps for the portable classrooms. I chased them and after running around for a while I carried our little bundle back to the toys.

This is when I saw the little girl. She was hunkered down under the platform for the smaller slide, with her back towards me.

Now the little girls these days have been wearing pants that are cut very low at the waste so I thought that she had some plumber butt going on. I tried not to pay attention, but as I got closer it became apparent that her whole derriere was protruding out of her little jeans. What in the world is that 5 year old doing with her pants down.

Oh No! No way! That's not a tail. She is laying a steamer under the toys. Eeewwww!

I looked around for a parent and saw her mom glancing over from across the wood chips. I said to the little girl, "Ahh, excuse me" and she hopped behind a pole with her butt still hanging out.

Her mom came over and I explained that her daughter had left a present under the toys.

There were open bathrooms, there were other kids playing there and this girl was not in the "special needs" category.

Therefore, I am going to have to award her the Mini-AssClown award.

Even Jerry Springer shakes his head.

Some women have a relationship with two men a little to close together and find themselves pregnant , and not entirely sure who the father is.

This can be very awkward for everyone involved.

A handful of women however are all over the place and tell their boyfriend that the baby is his. They treat the boyfriend horribly for a couple of years and then it comes out that the toddler may belong to another man.

After the paternity tests are done, neither of the two men is the father.

So she tries a third, and forth.

Finally the man is found. In prison.

That harlot is an AssClown!

Aug 22, 2007

Galaxy Far Far Away: Special Edition

So lets say that you orchestrate a galaxy wide conflict which results in the deaths of billions of life forms.

You lead one side of the conflict AND secretly control the other side of the conflict.

You use the conflict to convince others to give you more power.

Once you have reached maximum power as head of the government, and amassed a huge clone army, you abolish the democracy and name yourself emperor.

You now run a dictatorship of the whole galaxy.

Oh yeah, and you force your most loyal servant and protector, who has been by your side for decades, to battle his own son in a death-match to keep his job.

Congratulations! You are the biggest AssClown in the galaxy.

There are no stupid questions??

So you have a test coming up in your most difficult class; and you are relieved to find out that the teacher is going to spend an entire class reviewing material for the test.

You come to class with pencil and paper ready to take notes. The other students who are normally late for class or sleep in the back are there early and desperate to absorb as much as possible.

The teacher arrives with lecture notes and fresh markers for the board. He writes equations and some quotes on the board.

The excitement is palpable.

The teacher begins his lecture and 1 minute and 2o seconds in Dufus Dumberson asks the very first question. Your teacher answers the question briefly so he can move on, but Dufus wants clarification. The teacher expounds a little and then Dufus asks a follow up. Your teacher tries to pick someone else by pointing at them, but Dufus interupts.

Suddenly the mood in the class changes. Everyone in the room can feel the tension building except Dumberson.

Before you know what happened Dufus has been yammering for 20 minutes and a third of your chance at passing this class has gone down the toilet, because Dufus can't let the teacher finish a sentence.

If everyone in class is answering your question and groaning every time you open your piehole, then maybe you should crack your book once and awhile AssClown!

Aug 20, 2007

Mini-van Syndrome; have you been affected?

Buying a Mini-van for your family is a very difficult and noble thing to do; for men.

You really take one for the team when you get to drive the short bus around.

Some men, however, are in denial about the vehicle they are driving and will drive at speeds that are inappropriate for their van. This is not a good idea. This kind of person is a tool.

The worst kind of Mini-van drivers, have actually contracted 'Mini-van syndrome' or what is known scientifically as Premature Perambulation.

They will drive below the speed limit indefinitely, until someone tries to pass them. Someone with 'Mini-van syndrome' will then accelerate his vehicle in an attempt to not be passed by another driver. This often causes the other driver to reach 90mph(144kph) and risk a ticket if they want to get around the AssClown.